I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
