the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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