thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
