you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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