She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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