my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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