I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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