My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
