he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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