I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
