Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
