I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
