it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
