Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
