I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize