when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
