sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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