Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
