She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
