Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
