I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
