I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I looked at my own cervix.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
