Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
