Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize