apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
