"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
