I got chris browned last night
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
