Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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