She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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