There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
