i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
