Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize