I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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