you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
