hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
