You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
