Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize