I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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