My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
