I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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