Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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