I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
