I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
