Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
