you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I love you.
Bad choice
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
