I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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