I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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