I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
did you just send me my own nude
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
