She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
