Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
