Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
