I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
