i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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