shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
