So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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