True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
