I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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