Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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