I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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